So... The posts have been getting what other people would consider heavy. It's a fault of my full-time spiritual advisor, myself, to become didactic when overjoyed for no apparent reason at all.
If I'm happy, the world must be just as happy a place for all, no?
Nope. It's not. And I'm not, all the time. I've been crying over trivial meaningful events. I've been angry and shouty. I've been downright miserable, in both physical and metaphysical pain, over the entire period of introspection and insight on this blog. So, where does my happy little center go, then? Is it true ecstasy if it only remains intact in total silence and concentration? Or is discontent just a function of distraction? That's a question, in rhetoric alone.
I just distracted myself with fancy words. Don't I feel disgustingly sophisticated. Lowly human I am, I'm amused by cleverness.
Immature enlightenment will give you the feeling of being vibrantly clear all of the time. Even when reality is not vibrantly clear. It can drive you a bit maniacal, and make you feel you are a true master of your own domain. Nothing can affect your pure vision, you know the truth. Until something does, and you inevitably, humanly, forget.
My pain and suffering over the past 7 or so years, I used to view it as a total descent from grace. Where once nothing could rouse my more jagged emotions, a feeling of constant biting emptiness began to pinprick it's way in; I couldn't fight it off, not even with the best weed this side of the state in my bowl and all of the Lucky Charms I could stomach. I had failed at faith, and that was the end of it. Time to resign and become just another miserable lump of blind flesh. Worthless like the rest of us.
I will not say your suffering is a test. There is nothing to test. I will say, that it is. It simply is what's going on right now. You have ambitions that are disappointed, and you get upset. Purifying yourself will never mean being free from your natural reactions to conflict, unmet desires, obstacles in your path. All it does is help you to identify when where and what the source of your pain is, like a lantern in a forest full of peril. That's why they call it enlightenment. Illumination. Once you return to reality from the initial high, the real work begins.
Clear vision of the road is only the first step on a destination-free journey. It's only a tool. Blind or not, those demons will still crowd 'round and pick your bones clean at their first opportunity. You will look on as you lose battles, as you relapse, as you betray yourself. You'll tell yourself that you're not helpless anymore, you should be smarter than that. You will ask yourself why it never seems to end, and in turn, never receive an answer; because the world never stops coming at you, whether you can see it moving or not. You'll probably cry, or punch a wall.
But struggle, failure, a loss of courage, a loss of heart, they all mean one thing: You are Doing. And that's all that any human being can do. You can't stop it now.
No, really, you can't. It's the one thing that is impossible. Remember what I said about inaction?
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